Priorities in Loving – Parents, Family, Other?
In recent years, we have seen enormous chasms open among families as various members voice political and social opinions that differ radically from those of others in the family. In some cases, people stop talking with each other entirely. In others, ways are found to keep interactions polite and to help each other with ordinary activities despite their serious differences of opinion. Respect for each other and determination to maintain loving relationships are fundamental in these situations and times.
The words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount as written by St. Matthew ring loudly in the Gospel today, if perhaps not understood completely in the context in which Jesus spoke them. Most of us have heard them and many times we write them off as extreme or irrelevant in our lives. And yet, there they are.
“Whosoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of me.” (Mt 10:37-42)
What about the requirement to love each other unconditionally? Isn’t it normal for members of a family to grow up and have families of their own? Where does responsibility to one’s birth family fit in terms of responsibility for the family a couple builds once they are married adults? Is this what Jesus is talking about?
Actually, there’s far more to these statements than we normally realize. In fact, the whole notion of family and the responsibility of each member of the family to each other was completely different in Jesus’ time and culture than it is in much of society today, particularly societies based on Western cultures and expectations.
In most Western societies, families are considered to be relatively independent units of two adults and their children. In Anthropology we call these nuclear families. We still have our parents and grandparents, but when we grow up and start our own families, we are expected to manage mostly on our own, with little responsibility for support of our children or our choices on the part of prior generations. If we choose to do things differently than our parents did, that’s OK. There may be some ‘Tut-tutting” about it, but the family reputation does not rise or fall based on the choices of individual members. Another facet of this is that if the children do not conform to the traditions and expectations of earlier generations of the family, it’s not generally going to have serious social and economic repercussions against the grandparental generation! The family reputation may not continue to be as high, but the understanding is that older generations are not responsible for the choices of members of the younger ones. Therefore, the reputation of the elders is not as seriously damaged as that of the younger ones who have chosen different paths.
In ancient civilizations and in many cultures even today, the idea of family was different. The head of the family, whether a man in patrilineal societies or a woman in matrilineal ones, is responsible for his or her children, their spouses, and their children. This applies to their daily home lives as well as their broader social lives. If someone in another family has insulted or harmed someone in mine, that person becomes my enemy. If a person from my family breaks a social rule, such as having a child out of wedlock or running away to marry a person of whom the family does not approve, it is considered a disgrace to the entire family, beginning with the head of the family. We call this the corporate family model. In Jesus’ time, the corporate model was the only one he and others had ever known. To go publicly against the will of the head of the family was a very serious thing. Yet the social conventions of the time assumed as they largely do today that those who have higher economic resources and status are entitled to them because of something in their close family or ancestry.
Jesus insisted that our relationship with himself is more important than our relationships with family, friends, or society at large. As the one who has come to renew the bond between the Father and humanity, loyalty to him and to his teaching must come first. If he says we must love our neighbors as ourselves and welcome and help newcomers, then that must take first place in our lives, regardless of the decrees of our families or leaders.
As we reflect on this teaching today, it’s important to broaden our sense of what the words of Jesus mean in our nuclear-family-based societies today. Who are the people and groups with whom we may or may not identify? Who do we want to please in our choice of what we support or do? How do we look at people we see on the street or in our country as a whole? Who are we told are our enemies? Do we believe what we are being told?
Political parties, social classes, school friends, church communities, professional networks – all play a role in our self-identities.
Since these other social groups have become so important to each of us, we must increasingly be aware of their power to influence our opinions and behavior. If my friends all believe those who need food assistance are just lazy and not willing to work, will I believe that too? Or will I help out at a food pantry and get to know the people who come for help and hear their stories? Will I believe sensational news stories that claim entire groups of immigrants are stealing from the communities in which they live or will I listen to the voices of the authorities and social services programs in those communities who testify to their honesty and hard work? Will I cheer for the closing of borders and refusal to give refuge to people fleeing violence or will I remember our history of offering help to those who had nowhere else to go and came hoping to become members of a community in which they could live and work in peace and safety?
If Jesus were speaking to us today, our family relationships might not be the primary focus of his admonition. Instead, he might say something like, “Whoever cares more about their social standing in the community, or their chances for making a lot of money from a big, politically well-connected company than me is not worthy of me. Whoever tries to buy influence or please their political party is not worthy of me. Whoever smugly assumes that they have gotten all the blessings of security and comfort in their lives because of their own exclusive actions and so others must do the same, is not worthy of me.”
It’s not easy to go against the opinions and beliefs of family, friends, business associates, government policies, and others who exercise powerful roles in one’s country. But that’s where the second half of Jesus’ teaching still holds. “Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”
Losing one’s life does not necessarily mean literally dying. There are many small deaths we experience in life, when friends don’t understand what we are doing, when activities are misunderstood or scorned, when doors slam shut because of positions we have taken. These are all forms of the cross.
Yet Jesus also promises, “whoever gives only a cup of cold water to one of these little ones to drink because the little one is a disciple – amen, I say to you, he will surely not lose his reward.”
This coming week, let us be open to hear the Lord’s voice in the voices of the “little ones” in our world. The ones whose experiences are often never seen or heard. The ones who have been told so many times that they don’t know anything and are no good that they may have despaired and begun to believe those lies.
Let us share what we have, welcome those we meet, smile at people as we walk down the street, and generally treat others as we hope to be treated ourselves – with love, respect, and patient understanding.
In this, the Kingdom of God can continue to take root and grow in our lives and the world.
Peace be with you.
Readings for the Thirteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time – Cycle A
