Fidelius and Diabolus: The Not So Gay Marriage Dialog
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Diabolus: How’s it going?
Fidelius: You know we can’t talk – why do you persist?
Diabolus: That might be true if I were the Devil, but what if I’m your conscience?
Fidelius: There are no views but those of the Church.
Diabolus: True, but what about Church teaching, which acknowledges the “Sensus Fidelium” or Sense of the Faithful?
Fidelius: Stop bugging me Diabolus.
Diabolus: How do you know that’s my name?
Fidelius: You’re tempting me to think for myself. You’re torturing me.
Diabolus: No one can control your mind and heart. What’s bothering you?
Fidelius: I will take my counsel from my confessor, not from a post-Pepperoni heartburn!
Diabolus: “Pepperoni.” What a great name! Why don’t you call me that?
Fidelius: You are what you are.
Diabolus: And what is that?
Fidelius: The Tempter, the Evil One.
Diabolus: Have I ever suggested that you do anything wrong? Did I set your eye to wandering or encourage you to blow up when the Angels didn’t make the pennant?
Fidelius: Good people are tempted under the guise of good.
Diabolus: So, you’re a good person?
Fidelius: Yes. Generally, that is.
Diabolus: So then, why are you thinking about “it” again.
Fidelius: What “it”?
Diabolus: You know. Your conflict about gays.
Fidelius: They’re disgusting, you know that.
Diabolus: That’s not an uncommon opinion.
Fidelius: They make me squirm – and now they want to get married!
Diabolus: So, you think that it would be better to encourage them to stay with promiscuity as opposed to having a life of fidelity?
Fidelius: There can be nothing good in an act that is “intrinsically evil”.
Diabolus: So, you mean that you and Cynthia have never done anything “kinky”?
Fidelius: Shut up. We’re married.
Diabolus: My point exactly. You know, pleasure in marriage used to be called concupiscence.
Fidelius: What’s that?
Diabolus: You know – messed up like everything else after the fall of Adam and Eve.
Fidelius: So now you presume to teach me moral theology!
Diabolus: No. You learned it at that expensive Catholic college. Remember – the one you drank your way through?
Fidelius: Yeah, but it was after Vatican II. They weren’t Catholic anyway.
Diabolus: You mean like old Father Sullivan, who came to class in his cassock with the old yellowed pages on St. Thomas Aquinas?
Fidelius: He was different.
Diabolus: Yeah – he made you sweat to get a “C”. Not like the easy liberal that you gave you a “B+” for some beer can “sculpture” you threw together at the last minute.
Fidelius: Yeah, he was real.
Diabolus: Wasn’t he the guy that told you to have a happy sex life when you got married?
Fidelius: How do you know that? That was in confession!
Diabolus: Remember? I was there.
Fidelius: All I felt was so dirty.
Diabolus: You thought that he was going to throw the book at you.
Fidelius: Yeah, but he didn’t.
Diabolus: But there was a sin you didn’t confess.
Fidelius: What do you mean?
Diabolus: You remember. The time you stopped your fraternity brothers from beating up David Farnsworth, the fag?
Fidelius: He wasn’t gay – besides, “fag” isn’t politically correct.
Diabolus: Yeah. That’s why you found him dying in the AIDS ward a few years later at St. Mary’s, when you were helping the administration get their finances in order! A young guy out of business school and you go through the wrong door!
Fidelius: He never had a chance.
Diabolus: What do you mean? We all have free will. We all make choices.
Fidelius: His only moral choice was not to have sex.
Diabolus: He could have had a partner. You know – spend their lives together and all that? Maybe adopt a kid?
Fidelius: It would have been one mortal sin piled on another. He’d be deeper in Hell than he is now.
Diabolus: You don’t believe that.
Fidelius: Well, I heard Fr. Sullivan got to him before it was too late. But Purgatory’s no picnic.
Diabolus: So why did you pay for the Plenary Indulgence for him?
Fidelius: I didn’t pay for it. I just made an offering.
Diabolus: Strange. All this good will. Did you have a thing for this guy?
Fidelius: He was a guy. Got it? Like anybody. He deserved some decency, some respect.
Diabolus: But not a home.
Fidelius: He wasn’t homeless. He was making good money as an attorney.
Diabolus: No one to come home to; just work, parties, the bars …
Fidelius: He knew marriage was for straights. He was a good Catholic.
Diabolus: Yeah right. A gay can be a good Catholic; as likely as the Good Samaritan.
Fidelius: The Samaritan was real.
Diabolus: Maybe – or was he just a way for Jesus to show up the “good” people who had no compassion?
Fidelius: We can’t encourage gay culture. We’d be undermining the family; the basis of society.
Diabolus: Right. We can’t encourage a culture of life and fidelity.
Fidelius: It’s wrong. Remember, God made Adam and Eve – not Adam and Steve.
Diabolus: An interesting piece of demagoguery, but it doesn’t seem very compassionate.
Fidelius: The kids’ll get the wrong idea. They’ll think it’s okay.
Diabolus: Is that why so many gay people hate themselves?
Fidelius: It’s not my problem.
Diabolus: David became your problem when you saved him from that pack of apes.
Fidelius: I would have done it for anybody. Nobody deserves that kind of hate.
Diabolus: So where do you stop on this slippery slope?
Fidelius: It’s easy. The Church says, don’t beat ’em up but don’t let ’em get married.
Diabolus: That’s why you and Cynthia have only 3 kids – after 20 years?
Fidelius: We couldn’t have afforded more kids. You know that. With Cynthia’s problems it probably would have killed her.
Diabolus: So you love your wife more than God?
Fidelius: There’s a difference between God and the Church.
Diabolus: So who’s being the Devil now?
Fidelius: It’s in the Apostles Creed… “I believe in God, the Father Almighty.” Toward the end it says “I believe in one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church.”
Diabolus: Conscience. That weasel thing you picked up from those liberal priests!
Fidelius: It was a Vatican II thing. I had to write a paper on it.
Diabolus: So you did learn something!
Fidelius: Only because Fr. Sullivan made me re-write it 3 times.
Diablolus: I can’t imagine St. Thomas being on the side of conscience. He was a real theologian – and a saint.
Fidelius: Yeah. It’s a big thing for him – like it was for those Moslems philosophers he studied.
Diabolus: They only blow up stuff.
Fidelius: Conscience. You know – “formed according to the teaching of the Church.”
Diabolus: So why did Aquinas end up on the list of forbidden books so long?
Fidelius: He was accused of subjecting God to human reason.
Diabolus: Well I gotta go. Time “to prowl about seeking the ruin of souls”.
Fidelius: What about me?
Diabolus: You’re hopeless!
Fidelius: Hopeless?
Diabolus: Just the opposite, I’m afraid. No sale here today.
Fidelius: What about gay marriage?
Diabolus: Deciding that by a crowd? I like lynchings. Remember? But you know, it’s not my thing. You should look at that WMD “weapons of mass destruction” bracelet you wear.
Fidelius: It’s WWJD! What would Jesus do?
Diabolus: Yeah. I wonder. Later dude.. out’a here..
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